the love letter
Dear You,
Whether you are younger or older, male or female, I am writing this to tell you some things you may not know about me. I bet as you look at the outside of my package, the public view, you will have automatically decided that it has been easy for me. You may likely look at me and see my smile and presume I have no suffering or discomfort really. Maybe even that I never want things that aren’t good for me or that I never self sabotage, that I never cry myself to sleep in frustration or overwhelm or loneliness like perhaps you have. You might think I never doubt myself or worry that I’m not good enough. You see what your external eyes tell you. And these eyes are trained with a certain lens over them. This lens is based on some cultural conditioning yes, but mostly its based on YOU…your inner stories, and beliefs and wounds.
“I want to see you”
I’d like you to “see” me with that lens taken off so you can see me for what and who I really am. This is also how I want to see YOU. I don’t want to know any version of you that isn’t completely authentic and real. In fact I don’t have time for that. It is your lopsided smile, messy hair, untied shoelace, less than perfect posture, extra 10 pounds, or twitchy shoulder that interests me the most. I don’t want you to adjust those things before you see me. I want you to bring them naturally into the space as part of you. An endearing part of your wild and crazy ride on this planet. These signs of human-ness make my smile burst forth in utter love for you. When I see them I adore you MORE. What you don’t know is, I talk about them out loud when I think about you. just how endearing they are.
Can you be easier with yourself? Softer?
Here is the truth…I have wanted my path and this Lisa-person that you see to be very shiny, accomplished, and smart. I wanted her to get things easily and I always felt that if I just tried harder I could make that happen. I want you to understand something because I feel it will allow you to be softer with yourself. I have suffered greatly. So greatly that I was sure I could not take even one more breath. I have worked so hard to get things right that even now, after almost 33 years of continual in home mothering (the youngest is just leaving for college in 4 months!) I can feel the deep depleted exhaustion in my bone marrow. there have been times I have thought I couldn’t do it one single more day. And I am not referring to motherhood. I am referring to the exhaustion of pleasing this image of myself. Motherhood is a piece of cake compared to the inner slave driver.
I am still healing in so many ways and will be forever I suppose. But I need you to hear that I carry some of the same voices in my head as you…namely the ones that say “I need to look better to be loved.” “I am loved and wanted if I perform well.” “I must earn my keep or I am lazy and worthless.” “I will in the end be alone unless I am beautiful (you fill in the blank…thin, successful, witty, charming, sexy, rich).” “I need to be different than I am.” “I need to be better.”
voices we obey…
Ahhh, yes. You know the voices too I see. You’ve heard them. Occasionally subtle, occasionally loud. Either way they keep us running the task drills don’t they? They keep us running until we can’t run anymore. And that usually means sick, old, or no more energy. We can run quite well when we’re young and then we realize we’re getting really really winded. We finally stop and turn around.
That is the moment that I am writing this love letter for. In that moment, if you see/sense my hand out to you, my beloved, please do not look at me with your outward eyes and decide I couldn’t know your pain. Look inside and you can see my scars and my bloody hands. I really don’t want you to silence your voice any longer and assume this is all there is. Because if you give up, and if you don’t get free, we are a minus one of your True Presence. And that dearest, is a tragic loss.
It takes a mighty work and some of the most selfless intentional gritty determination to clean up inside. Some are calling it self indulgent, which I understand, but find almost funny. Because doing inner work has been the most prickly, raw, unrelenting work I have ever done. It would have been MUCH MUCH easier to stay on the treadmill and keep running. And you have lots of company on the treadmill. The inner work finds you often quite alone as well.
I welcome you to come home to yourself. You have been ostracized BY yourself for maybe the first 50 years. Isn’t it time? What if you had permission to do that? You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
Can you see the pattern? That truth is unavoidable. If you want a partner on this path to hold the light, take my hand. I know the jungle can get quite thick and tangly and my hands and feet know it well.
You are loved.
no.
matter.
what.